Ganondorf Dragmire: An Owner's Manual
by Soshite
Summary: Congrats! You just purchased the King of Evil and now it is high time you found out how to care, feed and keep him from destroying the world with three magical triangles! Fun times!


Congratulations, O Wonderful Customer!

If you are reading this, then that means you have just purchased our latest model from the Legend of Zelda line—the Ganondorf Dragmire (version 1.0), from the lovely manufacturers of the Hyrule Company. Please carefully read through this guide in order to optimize on satisfaction and proper maitenance of your purchased model.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Ganondorf Dragmire (will also respond to Ganon)

Location of Manufacture: Hyrule

Type: Evil Overlord

Height: Depending on where it is standing, the GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit will differ in height. Its normal setting is at 6'5".

Weight: Most likely 235 lbs of pure synthetic musles.

Length: Not applicable.

Level of Skill: He's so amazing capable, you'll wonder how you ever managed to live without him. Oh, yes, he's that good.

Occupation: King of Evil, Hyrule's Bane, Sorceror-Thief, Gerudo King, etc...

**Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) comes with the following accessories:**

1) One set of Gerudo armor and clothes.

2) One sword.

3) One head jewel.

4) One giant pipe organ.

5) One scary looking horse.

The Triforce of Power (Golden Ocarina of Time edition), is sold separately.

(WARNING: Purchase of the Triforce of Power may corrupt your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (1.0) and its operating system. In case of malfunction, please refer to Troubleshooting.)

**Installation:**

It is best to open your box in a wide open space with some adequate cover for yourself nearby. Be advised to have a tranquilizer gun and some darts on hand. Make sure that you are properly protected, lest you prefer to be the first thing your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) skewers upon first removal from the box. Once removed, dart your new model, then dispose of the bag and packing peanuts into the trashcan, then place your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) somewhere comfy until he wakes up. Staring at him during his sleep is optional, but not advised. He might think you're trying to kill him.

Try to avoid contact with your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) for the first few days to let him get used to his new home. This unit is quite temperamental and territorial and will attack any living thing on sight, if he feel threatened. He won't be afraid to fry you, skewer you, lock you up inside pink crystals or possibly turn you into stone. After the first few days are up, you may begin approaching him, but be prepared to be ordered about like a minion. If you are annoyed by this, gets some earplugs and ignore him and be prepared to be cremoniously 'put to sleep forever' when you least expect it. If you aren't annoyed by this and cater to his every whim, well, we can't really stop you.

**Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) has five different modes:**

Gerudo King (Default mode)

King of Evil

Sage Advisor

OOC (Level 10 Lock)

OHSHITSON (Level 11 Lock)

**Note:** _The only way to unlock _OOC mode_, is for you to buy a special Fanfiction license from our sister company, by calling them at our toll free number _1-800-O-HYRULE_. Do not expect your call to connect for, in all likelihood, your _GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0)_ will have found a way to disconnect your phoneline and any possible way of calling for help._

**Addendum:** _If you buy the _Triforce of Power (Golden Ocarina of Time edition)_ accessory for your model, we will not be held responsible for your model malfunctioning and the possible end of the world. Buy the _Triforce of Power (Golden Ocarina of Time edition) _at your own risk; it has a 50 percent chance of unlocking the _OHSHITSON mode_ of your model._

**Interactions with other units:**

Link – Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit will have the most spectacular interactions with this particular unit, especially if the LINK unit is equiped with a Triforce of Courage (Golden Ocarina of Time edition) accessory. However, after many attempts to steal it, their interactions will eventually end with either the unfortunate death of the GANONDORF unit (especially if LINK is equiped with the Master Sword accessory) or the LINK unit's death, so it would be best if you never buy a LINK unit or allow your model to meet one. EVER.

Princess Zelda – The ZELDA unit will be very alluring for your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE unit for quite a few reasons—especially when equipped with the Triforce of Wisdom (Golden Ocarina of Time edition). Although very a very attractive royalty model, your unit will not see this unit as anything more than an ornament he can keep suspended high in the air, inside of a crystal.

Rauru – It is suggested that your unit stays far away from this unit (as well as other units that have Sage Mode)--he will most likely try to punch it in the face. Or use him as fodder to bomb a dodongo. Don't ask.

Twinrova – Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE unit will most likely communicate the best with this special double unit. While not the gentlest and kindest of our models, he will be cordial with this unit and might even send it cards on Mother's Day. Oh, yes. He loves his mummies, he does.

Nabooru – While one of the many Gerudo units under his control, NABOORU will either attack or obey your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (1.0) unit, depending on either not she is in Thief or Brainwashed mode. After constant contact (most likely in a very dark room) with your unit, the NABOORU unit will be locked into Brainwashed mode until a LINK unit, equiped with both Master Sword and Triforce of Courage accessories comes along.

**Cleaning your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0):**

Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) is very capable of self-cleaning and does not require assistance in bathing itself. Although, if you do not possess a showerhead and only have a tub, it is advised that you try and keep an eye on him, just in case. Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver. 1.0) is not capable of swimming and drowns easily. Even in shallow puddles.

**Note: **_We are not responsible if you are ceremoniously killed after you save him from drowning with mouth-to-mouth. It has been proven by the medical board that it is no longer necessary and you can just use your hands._

**F.A.Q. Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **When I opened my box, I found the unit looked different from the catalogue. He's tall, has red hair and dark skins and everything, but he's a lot bigger and is wearing robes instead of his signature armour. Why is this?

**A:** Oh, my. It looks like we've sent you the GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 2.0) from the Wind Waker line of Zelda units by mistake. If you would like to have the GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit from Ocarina of Time, then please replace the unit you received back in the box with your receipt and proof of purchase and we will ship the correct unit within a week. Otherwise, enjoy your 2.0 unit. He's a lot more docile and easier to deal with than 1.0.

**Q:** My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit is acting strangely with my PRINCESS ZELDA unit. Every time he sees her, he runs away, then locks himself up in his room, writing really bad romantic poetry. And, recently, I keep hearing weird sounds at night, like something banging against a wall. And screaming. And moaning. And yet, the next day, they both look perfectly fine. What's going on?!

**A:** Do you happen to live near someone called Twili-Imp21? If so, you might want to move to another city. If not, your unit must have unlocked its OOC mode and will act like this for a while. To remedy this, buy yourself a TWINROVA unit. They'll straighten him out.

**Q:** Can my GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit play anything else on that organ of his?

**A:** No, he only knows one tune. Give him some sheet music and he might learn to play something else.

**Q:** My GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit has disappeared! And there's this weird pig beast running around my house!

**A:** Relax. That IS your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit. It just unlocked the level 11 lock and went into OHSHITSON mode.

**Q:** Isn't OHSHITSON mode bad?

**A:** Yes. Yes, it is.

**Q:** What do I do now?!

**A: **Invest in the Hero of Time special bundle, which comes with one LINK (ver 1.0) unit, one Triforce of Courage, one Ocarina of Time, One Master Sword and forever locked into Save The World mode. This should clear things up quickly, although you'll lose your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit.

**Q:** THE LINK UNIT DIED!

**A:** ...............

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem:** Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit has suddenly stopped moving and won't respond to anything you say.

**Answer:** Check and see if your unit has been impaled in any of the following areas: heart, chest, back, forehead. If you happen to find the Master Sword accessory in any of those spots, all you need to do is remove it. Of course, this will not restart your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit right away. To reboot, simply yell 'TRIFORCE' in a really loud and jarring voice right next to his ear. Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit will start strangling you within 10 seconds of hearing this.

**Problem:** Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit won't stop laughing evilly.

**Answer:** Somehow, your unit's Evil King mode is malfuntioning, which is the first sign of its level 11 lock being unlocked. There is no way of fixing this without permanently damaging your unit (i.e. Destroying your unit). Please make notes of all the events prior to his sudden fits of manic laughter, then send him back to us for a full refund or replacement unit. And do it _quickly_. Before it's too late.

**Problem:** Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit has gotten his hands on all pieces of the Triforce.

**Answer:** Well, it was nice knowing you.

**Ending Notes:**

Your GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit comes with a limited seven-year warranty. If you would like to have it extended forever, we suggest buying the Triforce of Power accessory, which would cover you unto eternity (or until it is removed from your unit through use of the KING DAPHNES unit from our Wind Waker line). If your unit is damaged in some way, you may send your unit back for a full refund, however we would advise against this. Your unit has made a connection with you and would swear eternal vengence to get you no matter what. He's a persistent one, he is. If it is truly neccessary to send it back, we suggest buying a LINK unit beforehand. It is the only safe way (for you) to send a GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit back to us.

**Note:** _The LINK unit takes approx. 6 months to get rid of one GANONDORF DRAGMIRE unit and this does not include the little sidequests he may happen upon. We suggest you crossdress and hide during that time, until things blow over._

We of the Hyrule Company wish you happyand fun times with your unit and heartilly thank you for purchasing the GANONDORF DRAGMIRE (ver 1.0) unit from us.

* * *

lol Did this randomly for fun. If you have any 'questions' for the F.A.Q. or problems for troubleshooting, don't hesitate to leave a review or send me a PM. I'll add them in to the appropriate section. ;)


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